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Alan freaked out when I was with other people. He also tried to turn me against other people in my life: A common theme in emotional abuse is the abuser creating distance between the abused person and their friends and family in order to exert control over them. This finally got me to see Alan for what he was: The questions in your emails tend to go like this: Even if you have a bad experience like mine with Alan, you will get over it. Just be sure—and I say this to you no matter what age your love interest happens to be—that you and of course THEY are responsible and respectful in actions and behaviors; that you are equal partners; that you feel like you can get out of it at any time, for any reason, without fear; and that you are happy.

I stopped worrying and continued to fancy back this person who desired the unfiltered version of myself. Exactly and in most ways, we meet emotionally in the middle. My previous romantic involvements were with men who zoned out when I talked to them, or told me their life stories, but never asked about mine. Friends ask if we trip over clashing cultural references? More revealing of our gap is his ability to provide practical solutions to the problems I cannot solve. But these offers of help often clash with my personal conflicts as a feminist desiring autonomy through self-taught skills, who also happens to lose interest two pages into an instructions manual.

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